If not love, then what
by AnnetteAnne
Summary: One-shot, after S7. Buffy and Dawn have a talk about Spike. Please R&R!


Not from the author: it's my first BtVS fanfic, so don't go too harsh on me :)! It's a little piece about coming to understand some things... Buffy and Dawn are talking about Spike, post S7. I hope you enjoy, and you'll leave your comments. I do not own any of the characters!

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><p>She was alive. She knew that because of the pain she felt everyday. Beginning with her last meeting with Spike, when he died for her and for others, to save them and to guarantee her a little bit of peace, a little bit of rest. He always did that for her... She also thought about what she told him many times, about the fact that she confessed to him that she loves him. Right now she wasn't sure why did she say something like that. It was Spike... And the only love of her life was Angel, it would always stay so. She was so sure about that. It was so clear and so easy to understand. She grew up to follow that statement blindly. It was a protection... Although she knew she could never be with Angel anymore, she loved him in this special way. But she didn't ache for him as she did right now for Spike. In some way, this pain was unexpected and surprising. There was something between her and Spike, but she would never suspect that she would miss him so much. That she would cry for him every night. That every night she would dream about him, dream about him appearing suddenly under her window, begging her to let him stay, to let him in. Every dawn was a struggle for her. Every day she hadn't the strength to get up, but she always did. <em>She was a Slayer after all<em>. So she did, she lived, she took care of Xander weeping over Anya, of Dawn and the rest of her family and the new army of Slayers. She didn't want to understand why she turned to Xander so many times in a day to find him buried in thoughts, his eyes empty or screaming with pain so unbelievable yet unspoken. She thought that she does that because he was her best friend, that Anya was her friend and she couldn't stand the thought that there was something wrong with Xander that she can't help with. But the reason she turned her head towards Xander so many times a day was that she completely understood him. She didn't even want to guess in what pain he was then; even that everyone lost somebody during the battle, his pain was undescribeable. And she understood him, she felt the same way he did. She never felt so close to anyone from her pack like she did right then to Xander, even to Willow or Dawn after their's mom death.

That night, as usal, she was the last one who hovered around the house, cleaning, saying goodnights and preparing for the next day. Even when she was tired as hell, she wasn't able to fall asleep in the second her head touched her pillow. Every night she was going through some kind of a torture, dreaming of him... So she lied down, ready for the tears that were about to come. But before they came, she heard a silent knocking to her door.  
>"Buffy?" It was Dawn. "You asleep yet?"<br>"No, Dawn, I'm not sleeping. Come in."  
>She opened the door and slowly came in. She was worried and uncertain.<br>"What it is, Dawnie? What's bothering you?"  
>Dawn was looking down on her sister, her strong sister-Slayer. Always ready to defend her and protect her, no matter what.<p>

"Buffy, I miss him. I miss him so freaking much."  
>Buffy froze inside. Her start started to thunder in her chest furiously.<br>"Buff, I was thinking about it much last days and I see what's going on with you... I just want to know... Did you love him?"  
>Buffy was looking on her sister, not ready to give her an answer. "Dawn, I don't think I loved him."<br>"He deserved love", Dawn said in a whisper. They were sitting in silence for a little bit.  
>"I'm not asking without a purpose, I... I just wanted to know. Wanted to understand. Last night I dreamed about the day when we resurrected you. The very moment you appeared on the doorstep. We didn't know what happened to you, we had no idea what to do... And then, Spike arrived. I remember the way he looked on you. First, he didn't believe his eyes. Second, he looked like he had everything he ever wanted."<br>Buffy looked at her sister feeling absolutely numb inside. Something squeezed her heart and throat so strongly, that she started to lose her own rhythm. A some kind of fear started running through her veins.  
>"He helped you then. He knew what to do. He did not push you, I know that you told him about heaven and stuff. He was the only one you talked to about it. He loved you so much... that it was driving him crazy. He couldn't help it. But I remember the way his eyes looked when they were fixed on you. There was everything - love, care, protecitveness. He knew he could never have you. He did badly when he tried to... r-rape you." She stopped in a moment. "But you deceived him in some way. You made him go crazy. After all these years... He grew up a bit. He calmed down a little. He didn't want to claim you, but he was ever faithful to you."<br>"He made me feel" Buffy said quietly. Dawn looked on her curiously. "After I returned from heaven. He made me feel again."  
>"He loved you so much, Buffy. I wanted just to say thank you that you made his last days so good and so happy. I didn't. I was too angry with him and I really am sorry for that. If I could turn back time..."<br>Buffy felt that tears are going to burst out from her in any moment.  
>"After all, he deserved love. The bond between you two was so unique, so special... I never felt that I had to describe the way you felt to each other. Too complicated. But for me, it was natural to see you together. Like a light follow a flame or something. You belonged to each other and you didn't care about what the rest will say. Well, much time had passed before you were ready to admit you're with him... But in the end, you were the most fullfilling, driving yourselves to crazy and special couple I've ever seen."<br>That was it. She couldn't help it. Buffy started to cry. She cried like she never had before. She cried of despair, of loneliness and most of all - she cried because she lost someone who she knew could never be replaced. And will never appear in her door again. Will never save her again, will never make her laugh in a moment when she feels depressed, will never recognize his face in a crowd, will never understand her, will never hear his voice again, his strange Cockney, will never make her feel as if she was a careless woman, not a Slayer, will never love her again like he did... She cried and with every tear it was worse, the whole pain, the loss, the numbness, everything. Dawn held her in her arms, her own tears strolling down her face. She came here to understand. Dawn always felt like a little child between the whole Scooby gang, though she wasn't a small kid. Like a little kid, she wanted to understand. Wanted to know. She wanted Buffy to know...  
>"Buffy", Dawn whispered when her sister calmed down a bit, "if it wasn't love... Then there's something more than that. There must be. <em>It was more than love<em>."


End file.
